An interesting week

So this week had an odd experience. It made me happy, then sad, then happy, then….I’m not sure. It all started when a friend online asked everyone for ideas for his daughter’s birthday party. I fired off one of my ideas and ran with some touches, and he liked the idea. A couple days later, I got an invite to his daughter’s party, and he went with my idea! At first, I was happy, and proud. Someone liked my idea so much it helped influence a decision 🙂 But then I got sad. The idea came naturally because I have a hundred ideas like that in my head. Birthday parties, craft ideas, family activities, all kinds of fun, geeky, nerdy, kid and adult friendly things that would be a blast. But I most likely will never get to enjoy them like I imagine. I’ll never take my kid to a movie dressed as the characters. No trips to the toy store where we both play with everything. No themed parties with games and a cake shaped like a spaceship or anything. 😦 I thought about this for a while, but then I got happy again. My idea didn’t go to waste. Someone will get to enjoy it. There’s a family that will have a great time based off an idea that I offered up, a kid out there who will always love her party, and I like that thought, but it also hurts. If one of my ideas worked, how many others WILL go to waste? It reminds me that I think I would be a great dad, but I’ll never know. Now the happiness and pride are clashing with the sadness and I’m kinda stuck, like having the wind both in front and behind you, so you can’t move.

I’m also worried about something I said to my wife. She asked me if I was going, and I told her no because, in addition to having another obligation that day, I had no interest in going to a kid’s birthday party. I try not to talk about my feelings regarding a possible (probable) future without children because I know it bothers her, not just because she says she eventually wants them too, but more so because she knows I want them now. So when I reject an idea because children are involved, I think she knows it’s because I’m bothered on a serious level. I don’t want to hurt her, but I can’t always suck it up and say nothing, or act like I’m not having trouble dealing.

I’m not entirely sure there’s a lesson for me in all of this. I wish I could find comfort in the thought of being a good dad, but I may never know, and that hurts. Maybe there’s a lesson there though. That while it’s always gonna hurt, not having a family, there’s always some benefit to be had, large or small, even if it’s for the benefit of others instead of myself.

Keep fighting forward

Happy New Year

     It’s been a….steady week. I guess that’s a good way to put it. Not too busy, but not a lot of down time, other than new years day. On the plus side though, everyone is so busy posting and talking about resolutions and getting in shape and blah blah blah that there hasn’t been as much to trigger my thoughts. There was an incident earlier in the week, but it wasn’t TOO bad.

     My wife went to a friends house to spend time with her and her kids, and something funny happened. The details aren’t important, but when she was trying to tell it, she couldn’t stop laughing. When I think about a family, I admittedly rarely think about smelly diapers and runny noses, but more so about times that would make us laugh like she was. That’s what I want. Fortunately, I love to see my wife happy, so her telling the story wasn’t as bad as when others do it since she was so happy telling it. It WAS a bit hard to smile through it though.

     I always feel bad in situations like that. I have to hide my feelings so as not to come across as the wounded bird emotionally, but moments like that are tricky to just brush off, but I have to. Otherwise, people end up feeling uncomfortable talking about stuff like that around me, and that’s not what I want, especially from her. It does get hard though, since I seem to think about it all the time, whether it’s right up front, or somewhere in the back of my mind.

     The big helper, believe it or not, has been that it recently snowed a lot. I love the snow. You’d think I’d end up daydreaming about playing with my kids and building snowmen and such (which I do), but snow always reminds me of being a kid myself. Running around in it, snowball fights, building forts, drawing big eyes on cars, basically just playing with this huge toy that fell out of the sky, it always takes me to a time when the kinds of problems I have now didn’t even exist for me. So maybe I can take that as a lesson.

     Do what you USED to like. People always say things like “find a hobby”, but maybe the trick to working through problems is to go back to old hobbies. They take us back, and in turn, take us away. You should never run from your problems, but getting away from them for a while can definitely clear your head, and for the problems that may be permanent, you’ll need a clear head as often as safely possible. Good luck everyone, and remember, keep fighting forward.