Late post, bad post

     I missed posting on Friday, but considering the weekend I had, it may have been a good thing, because I need to write. What a bad weekend. I just could not stop being reminded of the future. If it wasn’t conversations that I kept dodging relating to having a family, it was  random children at my job trying to interact with me.

     First, the conversations. It kept happening. Near miss talks about raising kids, dealing with life while having a family, people complaining about having to balance it all. I hate having to dodge these topics. All I ever want to say is that I hope one day I have those “problems”. I hope raising a family becomes something to fit into my life. But it won’t.  So those discussions become me standing there listening, trying not to cry.

     And if that weren’t enough, I had kids all day Sunday, smiling at me, waving hello, even one kid walking up to me and telling me about how when he grows up he’s going to help people. That one hurt. I always imagined my kids would grow up to be good people. To want to make life better for others. And here stands what I want, more real than its ever been, an actual good kid. I welled up a little. I had to turn away after he walked away with his mom.

     This whole weekend was just one big reminder of what I’m never going to have.  I envy the complainers for the problems they have. I’m jealous of the ones who have smiling, friendly, decent children as a reward for their parenting. And above all, I’m sad for myself, who won’t ever have either. I’ve been trying to keep busy, to keep my mind off the pain, but I’m so busy now, it’s interrupting my marriage, but that’s a matter for a different blog all together. As a result, the lesson this week is a depressing one. Be prepared to hurt. No matter how successful your attempts to manage the pain are, there WILL be times when you can’t avoid it. Try not to point those emotions at anyone. Find an outlet for them, and don’t let them fester. They may end up poisoning other areas of your life and relationships. And while this is all a painful aspect of life, try to make time for the people that matter the most.

     Keep fighting forward.


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