So this week had an odd experience. It made me happy, then sad, then happy, then….I’m not sure. It all started when a friend online asked everyone for ideas for his daughter’s birthday party. I fired off one of my ideas and ran with some touches, and he liked the idea. A couple days later, I got an invite to his daughter’s party, and he went with my idea! At first, I was happy, and proud. Someone liked my idea so much it helped influence a decision 🙂 But then I got sad. The idea came naturally because I have a hundred ideas like that in my head. Birthday parties, craft ideas, family activities, all kinds of fun, geeky, nerdy, kid and adult friendly things that would be a blast. But I most likely will never get to enjoy them like I imagine. I’ll never take my kid to a movie dressed as the characters. No trips to the toy store where we both play with everything. No themed parties with games and a cake shaped like a spaceship or anything. 😦 I thought about this for a while, but then I got happy again. My idea didn’t go to waste. Someone will get to enjoy it. There’s a family that will have a great time based off an idea that I offered up, a kid out there who will always love her party, and I like that thought, but it also hurts. If one of my ideas worked, how many others WILL go to waste? It reminds me that I think I would be a great dad, but I’ll never know. Now the happiness and pride are clashing with the sadness and I’m kinda stuck, like having the wind both in front and behind you, so you can’t move.
I’m also worried about something I said to my wife. She asked me if I was going, and I told her no because, in addition to having another obligation that day, I had no interest in going to a kid’s birthday party. I try not to talk about my feelings regarding a possible (probable) future without children because I know it bothers her, not just because she says she eventually wants them too, but more so because she knows I want them now. So when I reject an idea because children are involved, I think she knows it’s because I’m bothered on a serious level. I don’t want to hurt her, but I can’t always suck it up and say nothing, or act like I’m not having trouble dealing.
I’m not entirely sure there’s a lesson for me in all of this. I wish I could find comfort in the thought of being a good dad, but I may never know, and that hurts. Maybe there’s a lesson there though. That while it’s always gonna hurt, not having a family, there’s always some benefit to be had, large or small, even if it’s for the benefit of others instead of myself.
Keep fighting forward